So, I’m with friends, and we’re mining out our very first deposit of copper.
It’s the middle of the night, and we’re in a mining pit. I am playing a game where I’m simulating being a copper miner, set one thousand years ago. In this part of the game, you run around with a big pointy bit of metal on a stick, and dig copper out of the ground, which are work conditions I think people would mostly associate with medieval warlords with big whips. And I’m having a great time.
Mining out one of these copper deposits feels so unique, and takes so long, that it becomes a totally zen experience. I’m totally mindless and it’s so relaxing.
So, we’ve finished mining out the surrounding area to expose the entire copper deposit (there’s a whole thing about how to maximize your copper extracted from the ground because… well, we’re nerds).
I have begun mining the copper below me. I’ve taken off my shirt because mining is hard work, but I like my fancy new troll-leather cloak a lot, so I leave that on.
So, I’m on top of the copper deposit, breaking a bit below me, and it’s a bit of a fall from here, but like, I’m fine right? I’m mining the rock under me, but I’m far enough back from the edge that I think I’m safe. About this, I’m totally, entirely wrong.
My metal spike breaks the copper I’m standing on, AND SUDDENLY I’M FALLING DOWN AND IT’S KINDA FAR TO THE GROUND AND I’M EXHAUSTED FROM MINING AND I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M BASICALLY PLAYING A MEDIEVAL SLAVE SIMULATOR. First I’m on fire (which is weird because I was mining rocks) and then the rocks crash down around me, and I’m ded!
So, Thor brings me back to life at the last place I slept, which is a real cool thing for him to do. BUT Thor also kinda a Mean Girl and he’s like “Hey, I brought you back to life; I’m not getting your shit for you. Here’s some tighty-whities though.” and I wake up back in my cabin away from the mine.
I’m kinda disoriented; I went from totally zen to totally dead, with absolutely no warning; life a thousand years ago was a rough time. Then a god brought me back and gave me these surprisingly-scratchy 10th century underpants.
Okay, so my stuff is on my body still, since Regina Thorge wouldn’t give it to me. Thor probably didn’t destroy my stuff, I figure, but if he has to bring me back again I’m pretty sure Thor will take it out on my sweet cloak.
But I forget to really look around because I wiplashed from zen to shocked two seconds ago, and don’t notice that it’s night. I was just thinking about my sweet ogre-leather cloak. I SET OUT RUNNING IN THE WOODS AT NIGHT — I GOTTA GET MY CLOAK BACK!
Okay, so nighttime means there are way more monsters than usual roaming the woods, and it’s a good three minute dash to our mining operation, through the black forest at night. Which is FULL of angry dwarves, and massive yet-surprisingly-stealthy trolls. But I’m mostly thinking about my cloak, and like I’ve never had a problem before … right? I’ve never died twice in a row before. And when you die once, Thor just brings you back, but he’s always kinda a jerk about it.
(Yeah, it’s weird. The trolls are like three times as tall as you, and proportionately twice as wide as you. When they hit the ground so hard when they swing at you trees go flying (and you can collect all the lumber after the fight, which doesn’t hurt). But despite being super scary, you can’t really tell when they’re nearby *at all* until they’ve already hit you once.
I’m pretty sure that’s why my troll-cloak gives me a cool bonus to being sneaky; trolls are sneaky, so when you make a troll into a cloak… well, the cloak is magically sneaky too? I guess?)
And as I’ve forgotten that there are way more monsters because it’s nighttime, and as I’ve just woken up without any of my equipment, I get into the woods and find lots of angry dwarves are chasing me!
So I’m running, naked, though the pitch black night in the Dark Woods, with a dozen pissed off dwarves on my tail! I realize my mistake about the nighttime now, but I can’t turn back, because they’re right behind me.
And then WHAM!! I ran directly into a troll – or into it’s fist – and I’m dazed, I’m almost dead again (which means my cloak is at risk!) But I do the only thing I can, and keep running in a daze through the woods.
But I see the light ahead. I’ve MADE IT. I’m bruised and beaten, and I’m one stubbed toe away from death… but I’ve made it to the safty of the pit!!
And I realize… my plan had always been to just run into the pit, hurt myself a bit in the fall, but I’d walk it off. I can’t take that fall without dying. I have to find the ladder.
It’s hard to tell where I am, but I have to find our ladder into the pit. I can follow the pit on the left, or the right. so I make a snap decision, and veer left, and start running around the edge of the pit.
So, let me retell the story from my friends perspective: I died. They laughed because they knew Thor would bring me back, they shrugged, and they kept mining. About three minutes later, I emerge from the black woods, wearing only my underwear, and BOLT in the wrong direction to get down the pit.
A moment later, a herd of angry dwarves and a massive troll emerge into the light too, and begin chasing me.
They’re watching as I run ALL THE WAY AROUND THIS MASSIVE PIT. Somehow dodging every one of them as they emerge from the darkness to lash out at me. I’m sore; my whole right side is a bruise from where the troll hit me. BUT I WANT MY CLOAK and I keep pushing. There’s no way I’m going to make it, but I KEEP PUSHING.
I keep running and…
BUT I MAKE IT!! I see the ladder down to safety! I VERY CAREFULLY shimmy down the ladder, because I’m pretty sure a stubbed toe would end this journey. I can FEEL the dwarves right on me, but I think I can make it down the ladder.
Arrows start flying overhead now, as I climb down the ladder. I can see the dwarves hopping in anger, but dwarves are too short to use ladders so they just shout curses at me and throw rocks. As the arrows start flying though, the dwarves and the trolls retreated into the night.
My friends saw I was in trouble, and drove the dwarves and the troll back away from the mining pit! They saved me just in time, and I put on my cloak, and grabbed pickaxe, and I got back to work.
